


when home is the belly of the beast

by MaddieandChimney



Series: Maddie Begins [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, References to Domestic Violence, a tag on to my maddie begins multi chapter, but you don't have to read it to read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-20
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-29 00:02:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30147666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: For just one night, she forgets what’s waiting for her at home, listening to her brother tell endless college stories about what he’s been up to and she tries so hard to be the big sister and roll her eyes at him, wishing he would focus more on his studies and less on his friends but he seems happy and she wants him to cling to that for as long as he possibly can..Or Maddie tried to run three times before she found herself in LA, to the one person she knew she could run to.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Maddie Buckley/Doug Kendall
Series: Maddie Begins [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2170593
Comments: 8
Kudos: 18





	when home is the belly of the beast

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lifeisahighway88](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lifeisahighway88/gifts).



The first time she runs it’s 2005 and she’s twenty-two years old and it’s been three days since her boyfriend had  _ punched _ her. Three years, that was how long she had been in love with him and she hadn’t seen it coming. He loves her so much, that was why he had hit her, that was what he had said.  _ I just want you to be better, Maddie and I want you to be safe.  _ It repeats in her head over and over again. She hasn’t slept since it happened, and every time she looks in the mirror and tries to cover up the bruise and her swollen nose with heavy makeup, she bursts into tears. 

_ I was just scared, baby, but you won’t do it again, right?  _

She can’t stop thinking about that night. About how he had screamed at her for being late and being drunk, and then how his clenched fist had made contact with her face before she could see it coming and then he had told her it was her fault. And it’s all she can think about and she can see and all she can hear until she’s throwing some clothes in a bag a few days later and practically running from their apartment. 

It’s that permanent feeling of nausea that pulsates through her, how he’d hurt her and then she had kissed him back even though, at the time, everything within her was telling her it was wrong and it was time to leave. But she loves him, she loves him with every fibre of her being and she doesn’t know who she is if she doesn’t have him. No one has ever loved her before, not the way he loves her and there’s nowhere to run to. She has no friends, none that aren’t his anyway. Her brother is just a teenager and her parents told her if she left Hershey to go to Boston, they didn’t want anything to do with her. 

And she had left. She had said goodbye to the cold, unloving arms of her parents and straight into the arms of a man she thought loved her. 

But he does. 

Maddie’s mind is spinning, going around in circles as she climbs into her jeep and takes breath before she throws her bag on the passenger seat. She doesn’t know where to go but away from Doug and the prison walls of their apartment and Boston… seems like heaven right then. For just ten minutes, she imagines a life without Doug, she imagines a life where she drives all the way back to Hershey, tells her parents that she’s taking her brother and they leave. 

For just ten minutes, she tries to imagine something better. 

But then she can’t. Because he loves her and he’s the first person who has ever made her feel the things he does. She’s never been in love before but it’s not meant to be easy, right? Every couple fights and if she just leaves at the first sign of trouble, if she just gives up on the first person who has ever loved her. Doug was the first person who made sure that she was okay, he asked about her day, he made her feel wanted and needed and she can’t just… go. She can’t just leave him because of one mistake and like he’d said, it was her fault anyway. If she could only do better. He was so worried about her and her safety that… it wouldn’t happen again. 

Ten minutes, that’s how far she drives until she’s turning around, her heart still pounding and her head spinning. He loves her, besides, where would she go?

. 

They’ve been married for a year when she finds herself back in her jeep as her entire body shakes. This time, she hasn’t packed a bag, this time, she’s running for her life. His father was still in their house, she can’t hear them screaming at each other anymore but she can just imagine it as she stares at the home she was supposed to love but instead, dreaded coming home to every single time. 

When Mr Kendall leaves, she knows exactly what’s going to happen. What had started off as a seemingly nice family dinner, with the two of them, Doug’s sister and his father, had so quickly turned into a fight between the two men who were more similar than either of them would care to admit. Mrs Kendall, Doug’s mom, had committed suicide when he was seventeen and as Maddie’s hands grip tightly at the steering wheel and she thinks about her options, she wonders if the woman had the right idea. 

Twenty five years she had spent with a man who reminds Maddie of Doug in so many ways and she can only imagine the torture she had gone through behind closed doors. Her husband would never admit it, only talking of his childhood as idyllic, with his mother painted as this perfect person who could do no wrong and his father; barely there but providing for them as a family in the way a man should, according to him, anyway. It’s been seven years for her and she’s already considering doing what the other woman had done and throwing herself off the nearest bridge, it seems like the safest option. Her only option if she wants any control because she’s sure, if she goes back in there and the eldest Kendall man leaves, Doug is going to take out every ounce of anger and rage on her and she won’t live to see another night. 

It’s with a breath that she reverses out of their driveway, putting her foot on the gas pedal as she angrily wipes at the tears that have fallen down her face, wondering how she could have gotten herself into such a mess. 

_ I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me that you’re happy.  _

Her brother’s words, at only seventeen, from her wedding - the day that was meant to be the happiest of her entire life and had been one of the worst - ring through her mind as she drives as far away as she possibly can from the home she shares with her husband. If she could go back, maybe she’d be honest with him. Maybe she wouldn’t look her little brother in the eyes and lie or maybe it wasn’t a lie. Maybe a year ago she had felt differently but now she doesn’t think Doug can ever change and instead, she sees her own future in his parents fate and she doesn’t know what to do. 

_ If you weren’t, you know I’d throw you over my shoulder and get you the hell out of here, right?  _ Evan is in college now; community college, still living at home but he’s still the only safe place she can imagine right then as she pulls the car over when she thinks she might be far enough away. It's with shaking fingers that she quickly texts her brother, asking him where he is, smiling when she gets a straight answer instead of a question before she tells him she needs him and she’s on her way. 

A house party isn’t really her style, not at twenty-six but her little brother looks happy when she pulls up outside and he’s standing in the street waiting for her. His cheeks are flushed with the effects of alcohol, his curls an absolute mess and he’s grinning as though he’s having the time of his life. “You look like you could use a drink.” 

It’s with a laugh that she nods her head, nervously looking at the party behind him as she chews down on her bottom lip until her brother is clambering into her car, “You buy the beer, let’s go to our spot. The party is lame anyway, I’d much rather drink with my big sister.” He’s sweet and he’s kind and he’s going to be a wonderful boyfriend and maybe husband, if that’s what he wants, to someone one day and she hopes that despite everything, he’ll have a good life.

The night passes them by far too quickly, the two of them sitting down on the grass in the park nearest to their family home with far too much beer and laughter that makes her feel free. For just one night, she forgets what’s waiting for her at home, listening to her brother tell endless college stories about what he’s been up to and she tries so hard to be the big sister and roll her eyes at him, wishing he would focus more on his studies and less on his friends but he seems happy and she wants him to cling to that for as long as he possibly can. College was meant to be the best years of his life, he had time to be serious. 

It’s not until they get back to her car in the morning, her head pulsating from the night before that she grabs her phone, grimacing at the fifty two missed calls and ninety eight text messages that show up, gulping down the lump in her throat before she tucks her phone away and smiles at her brother. “Shall we get breakfast? On me.” 

Evan grins, his blue eyes shining brightly as he slides himself into the passenger seat and reclines it all the way back with the biggest sigh, “I miss you. I wish I could see you more often.” 

Her heart hurts because as busy as work can be, she knows that it’s not the problem. It’s Doug. It’s always been Doug and his jealousy over her relationship with her little brother, or anyone else, really. He wants her all to himself and for the most part, he’s gotten his own way and she’s left with no one but her naïve eighteen year old brother to run to when things get tough. Her parents live a few blocks over and won’t talk to her but she’ll always have Evan. For just a second, she opens her mouth, about to pour everything out to him about how she doesn’t want to go home because she’s afraid her husband is going to kill her, or about how she’s sorry that she flinched away when he tried to hug her the night before but she’s used to angry hands on her body now. Instead, she reaches over to take his hand in her own, giving it a tight squeeze, “I miss you, too. I wish work wasn’t so crazy but maybe when I’m a little more established, it’ll die down.” 

“Promise?”

She slips her pinky finger into his, hooking her finger over his tightly as she nods her head, “I promise.” .

It’s barely been twelve hours until she’s walking through the door of the home she hates so much, hoping, more than anything, that if he kills her today, then at least the last memory her brother has of her will be a good one. 

The third time she runs, she thinks this time it’s for good. Their baby is gone and she has nothing to lose, so she runs. It’s been three years since her little brother left and every postcard he sends her brings her hope that if he can start over, maybe she can too. Maybe she can rediscover herself or find something else she’s meant to do, other than being a nurse. 

She’s exhausted, more than she could ever believe possible and packing a bag and just going to the train station and hopping on the first train and then a bus that will take her the hell out of Hershey is all the fight she has left within her. Her entire body aches, her throat is raw and she is trying so hard not to be that person who sobs at the back of the bus as she watches the world pass her by. 

Four hours pass by and she’s in Philadelphia and she thinks, for now, this is enough. She has no plan, she’d just… left. She had felt that emptiness in her stomach where her baby should be growing and she had been reminded of how he had left her sobbing on the bathroom floor for hours, until finally, he’d demanded she joined him in bed and to him, it was like nothing had ever happened. She couldn’t live like this anymore, always on edge, waiting for the next kick or the next punch, the next time his hands wrap around her throat. Her body has nothing left to give, though she wishes it did. 

Maddie had always imagined living in New York City, it’s all she can think about when, after just a day in Philadelphia, she’s leaning her head against a train window on the way to somewhere she hopes her husband will never find her. For the first time since she’d met him, she feels hope. 

Only three days in New York City with no friends, no family, nobody to talk to or to help her stop looking over her shoulder, Maddie finds herself curled up on the floor of her hotel room, staring at her phone. It’s been over four days since she’d walked out on him and she knows if she goes back, she’s going to have to pay for every hour she had dared to leave him. She knows how their story ends, he’s said it enough times and she knows that with no plan, with no one to help and no money left, she’s left with little choice. 

He loves her. That’s what she tries to tell herself as she dials his number, holding back the tears when she hears his voice for the first time in days. He sounds relieved, there’s not an ounce of anger in his tone and for just that second, she allows herself to be lulled by the thought that there’s someone in this world who cares about her and about her safety and her life. Even if he’s not perfect, she doesn’t have anyone else. 

“I’m so sorry,” She finally finds herself saying, “I was just angry and hurting after the baby and I-I just… I left.” 

“Where are you Maddie?” 

She can hear the sound of him grabbing his keys in the background, the sound of panic in his voice as the door slams and she knows exactly what’s going to happen when he comes. It’s always what happens when he’s worried about her.  _ It’s your fault, Maddie. I have to do this.  _ She closes her eyes tightly, willing herself to hang up the phone and never call him again and just live on the streets or find someone who could possibly help her or contact her baby brother and make him come back from wherever he is at the moment. There’s options, there’s more options than going back to him, there has to be. 

“New York.” The words fall from her lips before she can stop them, “I-I’m so sorry.” 

“We all make mistakes, Maddie.”  _ The problem is, you never learn.  _ “I’ll be there as soon as I can, just text me the address.” Anyone listening would think it was just a concerned husband talking to his wife, each word carefully spoken, his voice cracking, “I love you.” 

Maddie opens her eyes and stares blankly at the wall in front of her, nodding her head, “I love you, too.” Next time, she promises herself, she’ll be more prepared, she’ll make a plan, she’ll have money. If there is a next time.


End file.
